


You Took My Silence Out of Context, At The Mariner's Apartment Complex

by Lotsofloveandangst



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Bucky Barnes, Consensual Underage Sex, Consent Issues, Dubious Consent, Frottage, M/M, Spin the Bottle, Top Steve Rogers, not between steve and bucky, past steve/ross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:16:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24460429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotsofloveandangst/pseuds/Lotsofloveandangst
Summary: Steve Rogers knew from the moment he met Bucky Barnes that he was the love of his life. Steve also knew that he wasn't Bucky's.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	You Took My Silence Out of Context, At The Mariner's Apartment Complex

**Author's Note:**

> this has been written because I adore sad Steve fics. WARNING: there are some scenes describing Steve's past relationships that cause Steve harm and he didn't know that they were going to occur the way they do. Despite his initial agreement, Steve ends the sexual scenes feeling like he shouldn't have done them, however, he continues to not lose his boyfriend. If any of this triggers you when Steve talks about Ross, you can skip the paragraphs. I will mark where it begins and ends. In some of his scenes with Bucky, the worry is present but not as descriptive.  
> I also am writing as if I am Steve, I do not blame him for anything that has occurred because it isn't his fault.

Steve Rogers knew from the moment he met Bucky Barnes that he was the love of his life. Steve also knew that he wasn't Bucky's. They were in the first period, and his teacher Mr.Coulson had put them at the same table. Steve had just entered Shield High School and turned sixteen over the summer. He was one of the last to turn. Most people had their sweet sixteen and had parties full of upperclassmen. However, Steve's birthday fell on July 4th, so he never celebrated it on the day of, the way it seemed to be a trend for the students at Steve's high school. Since he was switching schools, Steve was excited to meet a few people at Sam's party. He did not meet Bucky. He met Natasha, Peggy, and her cousin Sharon, Rhodey whose real name is James, Clint, and the Maximoff twins.

The people at Shield seem nice, as opposed to his old high school, Hydra. There he met the people who shaped what society called his most defining years into memories he hoped to burn from his mind. He could still feel the press of the knob of his locker in between his shoulder blades and he could still taste his blood that had dripped from his nose into his mouth. He remembers sitting in the principal's office, knowing it wasn't going to solve anything, but pleading to Principal Schmidt to switch his class because his bullies were all in Mr.Pierce's English class. He couldn't possibly forget the humiliation he felt when Mr.Pierce gave him a zero on his paper about To Kill A Mockingbird when he should've gotten some points. He hated how he felt when he saw that Mr.Pierce would also be teaching him in his sophomore year and how Mr.Pierce pulled the same bullshit when he wrote a paper on The Help. Steve decided to write in both stories that the ideas were progressive for the time, but ultimately it put white people on the same pedestal that they had always been on because they were written from a white woman's point of view.

He could never forget what made his mom take him out of Hydra. Sarah Rogers was never one to be played with. Before Steve's dad died, he would sometimes keep Steve up past bedtime. Usually, it was so they could watch a baseball game together, sometimes it's because Steve pleaded for his dad to play Cops and Robbers with him. Steve remembers hiding in the laundry room and hearing the front door slam. The door swung open and there his mom stood. '"Joseph Steven Rogers! Steven Grant Rogers! What are you doing up?" His mom took him to his bed and scolded his dad. There was no room for arguing. His dad apologized for keeping Steve up and that was the end of that. Of course, his dad just learned to be sneakier, but infuriating Sarah wasn't something he would do often. He never told his mom about all the fights and the unfair treatment because she was a nurse. She was constantly serving shifts that left her exhausted and Steve taking care of himself mainly. She didn't need the extra burden.

Sarah Rogers marched into the principal's office and said, "I thought this school had a no-bullying policy? My son has come home with bruises on his face the size of craters-" Steve would say she is excellent at hyperbole but the number of times he got his face pummeled in was enough to know that she wasn't exaggerating, "and you have done nothing to stop them. He has filed multiple reports and if you don't do anything about it, I have no choice but to sue." She walked out of there, hand wrapped loosely around Steve's wrists. No action was taken, so Sarah did what she said she would. Steve went to school one more day and the bruises he got were used for the case. They won a few thousand and Sarah researched schools that would treat him better. So he ended up at Shield, a private high school that had good reviews from students, and a better community overall. 

He was also scared shitless because his best friend, Sam Wilson, had been placed next to a goth looking girl who Mr.Coulson called Natasha instead of him. She was standing next to James against the wall since the teacher wanted to place the kids in assigned seats. They were speaking a different language, that Steve reckoned was Russian. The first things Steve noticed about Bucky when he sat down were his light dusting of a beard, his chiseled jaw, his chin-length hair, and his blue eyes. God, they took Steve's breath away. He also noticed that his outfit was pretty fitted, a sign of confidence. And he was wearing combat boots. 

Luckily, Steve already had his gay awakening. So, the next thing he noticed was that James had a bit of muscle on him. Steve was just waiting to go through puberty. He was 5'5" now, too short to be recognized as manly, and he was around 120 pounds. He was lanky, he knew, but he was hoping to sell James on him with his personality. Even if they wouldn't have anything romantic, gaining a new friend would be nice for Steve. He struggled with personal interactions. Quite frankly, he was too defensive, always ready to fight. That had gotten him into a lot of trouble in middle school. His saving grace had been the fact that Sam took pity on him and decided to stay friends. He wasn't sure how long that would last, so it would also be beneficial to make new friends. Steve took a deep breath and said, "Hey, I'm Steve." His voice was terrible. He had a pretty deep one, but it cracked a bit when he introduced himself. James was probably thinking, what a weirdo. Steve was. James glanced over and smiled. Holy shit, he had a dazzling smile as well. Steve knew it wasn't good to base someone solely on their appearance, but Steve could read energies, and James' was fine so far. Steve exhaled nervously. 

"I'm James, but I go by Bucky," he started, "it's a weird name I know but it comes from my middle name and my sister being incapable of pronouncing it." Bucky shifted to look at him a bit more. They continued to discuss his name before they had to pay attention. It was nice to sit next to him every morning, but they only really talked in the first period. Steve didn't see him around in the halls that often. He kept making up a scenario in which he would have to talk to him. Maybe, he could ask him about the homework, but Bucky watched him write it down every morning on his agenda. If Bucky paid that close attention, he imagined Bucky would question why he didn't take record of it that day and Steve was a shit liar. They didn't have another class together and Steve couldn't muster up the courage to ask for his social media accounts, so he followed people in Shield High who were also in their graduation year and prayed that Instagram or Snapchat recommended him eventually. 

It didn't work out the way he planned. Their homeroom class also happened to be English. One of Steve's best subjects, but Bucky's worst. Mr.Coulson handed back their latest test and Bucky had a 64 written on the top. Open responses using rhetoric were something most kids struggled with. Steve just happened to be extremely good at arguing. "Not to be nosy or anything, but if you ever need any help-"

"I don't." His firm tone shocked Steve but it also reminded him of who he was. Of course, Bucky could just be saying it because of his pride. Steve tried to reason as his hands shook. Then again, who would want help from Steve? Steve would most likely stumble over his words and make things worse. He wasn't even smart, not really. It was just this subject and sometimes History. Steve counted in his head, in for four and out for four, but it didn't help like he thought it would. 

"Oh, I'm sorry I was prying," Steve managed to get through tight lips. He asked to be excused to the bathroom before Bucky could notice anything. It's not like he would care anyway. Steve was just some stupid little boy who wished that he could get people's heads to turn. Bucky was a kind guy who probably just needed someone to talk to in class. Steve knew that he had been a "necessary friend" to others before. They told him. Steve rolled up the right sleeve of his sweater and pinched at his skin. He would never be good enough. Even if it was Bucky's pride, Steve shouldn't have assumed that Bucky would be okay with anything. It would be better if he asked for a seat transfer. Mr.Coulson would let him. Bucky probably didn't want to be around him anymore. Steve didn't want to be around himself.

When Steve went back into the class, Bucky hadn't uttered a peep, but he thinks he felt his eyes on him. After class, Steve didn't pack his things. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and picked up his folder and binder. He walked out. He made quick strides towards his next class but he was tapped on the shoulder with a blurb of "Steve" from Bucky. Steve blinked rapidly, hoping that it didn't raise any suspicion. 

"Hey, I was wondering if I could still take you up on your offer? I do need help, it's just sometimes I have trouble admitting it," Bucky said with a little chuckle. Bucky doesn't hate him. Steve felt his arm tingle a little from the pinching. He bruised pretty easily too. Steve nodded and looked down, too afraid to speak. 

Lunch was probably the most nerve-wracking period for Steve. The Maximoff twins were too young so they didn't have the same lunch as them. Peggy and Sharon sat with other girls that Steve didn't know. So he sat with Sam, and Sam had made so many friends. Clint, Thor, Tony, Bruce, Natasha, Rhodey, and Bucky sat at the table with them. Unfortunately, he didn't know them well enough so he stayed pretty silent. He was hoping to get out of his comfort zone a bit though. Today he decided to speak. Sam's friends were discussing their favorite foods. When he decided to speak up and say he really enjoyed rice, everyone turned to look at him.

"That's a bit bland," Tony snickered. "Well, it's what I would've expected." Steve tried not to flinch and prepared himself to say something back. No one else seemed bothered by the statement, and he didn't know why he expected them to be. (He knew it was because humans should know to be kind to each other whether they are friends or not. And the fact that nobody seemed to say anything showed they had different morals, ones Steve would find hard to mesh with. People were allowed to have different opinions, but Steve thought that it was important to call people out of their bullshit no matter who they were to you.). 

"What's that supposed to mean?" His question had gotten Bucky's head looking at him. That response was even worse than the first one. If Bucky just noticed, that means that nobody was listening to him speak except Tony so he could make fun of him. Steve's fists clenched under the table and since Sam was sitting next to him, he held onto his thigh in order to calm him down. All throughout elementary school, when people like Hodge would make fun of him, Sam would be there to drag him away or to pull bullies off after he was bruised. He remembers wanting to quit school so many times, but his mom couldn't keep at home since she worked in a hospital. So every day he went and prayed that he wouldn't exist. 

"It means that you seem boring. Of course, you would like something as plain as you are," Tony squinted at him. As if daring him to provide a counter-argument. Steve was boring. He knew it. He was just hoping that nobody had noticed. He wasn't exactly sure what he should do now. Normally, he would fight. He promised his mom he wouldn't get into any trouble anymore, though. It was a lot the first few times he had begun fighting. Once he got older though, and she felt like she could leave him home alone, Steve learned to ice himself and hide the truth from his mom. Frozen peas and other fruits became his best friend. And he became incredible at pretending he was asleep.

He heard Sam say "that's not true. Steve is one of the best people I know" and he wondered how long Sam could keep this up. Steve's stomach felt like it was burning. He wanted to pinch himself again, but it might not be a good idea with all these people here. Steve should've died when he was younger and sick. He couldn't make it in life if he looked the way he did and had his personality. Steve knew high school wasn't forever, but people's mentalities didn't change as much as people pretended as they did. He could imagine being older and only having work friends. The ones who didn't invite you out for a beer, and got silent when you walked into the staff room. He imagined calling his mom on the phone every day and her asking about his dating life. He would have to think about the awkward date he went on a few months ago, with a man who pretended like he was ready for something serious before revealing his true intentions as he leaned over to whisper that he wanted to fuck Steve in the bathroom of the restaurant. 

"What? All he does is suck up to teachers," Steve and Tony had every class together, "and talk too damn much about things no one cares about." Steve prayed that the lunch would be over. The bell had rung. His prayer had been answered. This wasn't going to go over well. Would he show up again at lunch tomorrow? Or school ever again? He managed to make it through the day without tears. On the ride home was a completely different story. When he was in school, he had something to distract him. Now he was left with his shaky hands, his thumb scrolling mindlessly through Twitter, and the words on Tony's critiques echoing in his head. It was difficult for Steve to not snap back. To say that the cockiness Tony had meant nothing. That Tony had good grades, sure, but who really cared for him at the end of the day? But the thing is, Tony had friends, and smarts, and money. Steve was the one at a disadvantage.

When he got home, Steve went straight for the shower. He took a few deep breaths and looked into the mirror. "You're shit. You've been told it all your life and you need to stop trying. No one loves you. You don't deserve to be here, you stupid waste of space." He observed his glistening eyes as tears threatened to shed but never overflowed. He took his hands and pinched everywhere he could get his hands on. He felt the urge to scratch, so he did. He pulled at his skin and scratched it until blood appeared. Then he stopped and ran it under the water. He turned the sink off and tried to go to his room to complete his homework. His phone alerted with a text from a number he had never seen before. 

**Hey, this is Bucky. Tony was and is an absolute douche. I never thought you were boring.**

Steve was unsure if he should respond, but this could also be his only opportunity to talk to him, so he took it. 

Thank you. It's okay though. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

**Yeah but that doesn't mean he gets to humiliate you in front of everyone. We can kick him out of the table if you want.**

That wouldn't be fair. You guys are his friends first, I don't really know anyone that well. 

**They're his friends. I'm yours.**

**Lemme know if I should tell the rest of them.**

Steve's heart could've melted right there. Someone cared. Someone cared. 

He realized later that he should've probably asked how Bucky got his number.

Steve's life got so much better the more he hung around Bucky. Of course, he adored Sam and still spent time with him, but Sam had his own activities like the aerodynamics club so it was hard to see him as much. Steve sometimes went by Bucky's locker to talk and would arrive late to class because they wasted time making each other laugh. Bucky never treated him like he was fragile. He would punch him in the arm or ruffle his hair. In fact, they started spending time together outside of school. Bucky would come over to Steve's house or vice versa and they would watch movies together. They started this whole tradition where they would watch animated movies together. It started off because they decided to discuss their favorite version of Lion King, and Steve being who Steve is said The Lion King II, a movie that most people hadn't watched or even knew existed. 

"I don't understand why you like that movie, Stevie." The nickname had started recently and Steve hoped it never stopped. He felt his stomach warm up a bit and the blood rushed to his cheeks.

"Because the soundtrack outdoes all the other movies, there aren't even good songs in 11/2," he rebutted. He propped up another pillow against the headrest and prepared the bed for the movie fest. Steve wouldn't go down willingly. He knew he was the best judge of character and movies. "well, like one, but nothing beats He Lives in You and He Is Not One of Us.

Steve and Bucky were lying in his bed, the laptop set in between them, as well a bottle of pineapple Fanta, another bottle of cream soda from A&W, and a bowl of pretzels. The movie began and Steve was fully invested, a mouthful of pretzels moving in sync with the captions. Bucky raised an eyebrow when he looked over as Steve sang He Is Not One Of Us. "This is one of the best songs in the whole franchise," Steve declared. 

"No, it's definitely Hakuna Matata," Bucky chuckled. Steve gasped dramatically, a hand placed over his heart, and pretended to faint. 

"You wound me, Bucky Barnes. I made a new friend and they just have to have bad taste." That earned him a swat with a pillow. Steve flicked a pretzel back at him to assure that he was not hurt.

"My taste can't be that bad since I like you," Bucky smiled and then froze. "I meant it like, I like spending time with you not like, I have feelings for you," he quickly clarified, tips of his ear as red as Rudolph's nose. Steve's hopes had been up for a second. Clearly foolish as he always was, but he managed to not show that he was affected. 

"I like spending time with you too, Buck."

Movie nights continued. One Saturday night, the boys decided to watch Brave, one of the most boring Disney movies to ever air. Steve couldn't help it. His bed was so comfortable, and a queen, so he put his head down against the mattress and his eyes fluttered. He thought that the position was making his sleepiness worse, so he sat up. This time he couldn't help his head lolling from side to side. He ended up on Bucky's shoulder, drool falling out his mouth.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" He exclaimed. How embarrassing. Bucky just chuckled and his shoulder shook a little. 

"It's fine, Stevie. You look so adorable and I didn't want to disturb you," he explained. Steve picked up his phone, noticing he had many notifications from his mother. 

"Shit," he scrambled to get up from the bed. It was about to be 10. His mom would be home soon and he can't imagine how she would feel if he wasn't home. Where would Steve even go? He hadn't mentioned a new friend to her. He could say he was at Sam's but he didn't want to lie to his mom and he didn't want to drag another person into it.

"Shit, I'm sorry. Maybe I should've woken you up. I didn't know you have a curfew." Steve tried to find where he put his shoes but the room was pretty dark and he didn't know if he should just turn on the lights. "Maybe next time you could stay over," Bucky spoke with a lilt. At that, Steve looked up. He had been asked to do things like this before. He had hoped Bucky was different. Bucky's eyes were shining with a hopefulness that Steve wouldn't regret even if he wanted to. 

-

He remembers when he first arrived at Hydra. He knew that sexuality was touch and go no matter where he lived or what age he was, but he was also excited because his crush seemed to like him back. His name was Thaddeus Ross. He supposed the name should've been an indication. His age, too. Ross, as he liked to be called, was a senior at Hydra. He was the captain of the JROTC and involved in Model U.N. That could have also been another sign Steve ignored, but he didn't have much guidance in his Hydra days. Only his fists and his words. Steve wasn't interested in joining, but he stuck around after school to watch Ross order others around during Drill practice. He liked how commanding his voice was. Steve, however, did not have any desire to be ordered around. Ross didn't seem to understand that though. 

Ross would tell him to wait outside in the school's parking lot and he would. He would finish his homework so his afternoons were free for Ross. He went to Ross's house and his parents were never home. He remembers their first kiss. It was sloppily and kind of gross because Ross tasted like cigarettes. Ross's hands were firm at the back of his head. Digging into his scalp in an unpleasant way. Steve remembers the blue scratchy pillow underneath his head as he watched Ross sit up. They had been making out for a while and Ross attempted to move his hand down to pull Steve's shirt up, Steve pushed him away. Ross seemed to get the memo, with a grunt he moved away from him. When Ross got his lighter out, Steve said, "I have asthma." Ross rolled his eyes and walked out of the room. He sat there for a while unsure of what to do. 

When Ross came back he muttered, "you're still here?" Steve left after that.

The next time they saw each other, Ross apologized. He held Steve's hand and kissed it. "Sometimes, I just get so stressed out and I can be a dick. I hope you'll forgive your boyfriend." Steve never agreed to date him. Steve didn't care that he hadn't asked at the time, but he should've. He should've noticed that Ross was using him. It didn't cross his mind, not once. Not even when Ross pushes his head down even though Steve was choking, and kept saying he was filthy. He always thought he would like dirty talk from what he heard before, but Ross's made his spine shiver and his heart feel heavy. He didn't think about how he was being used when Ross only prepped him with spit and Steve's face was pressed into the pillow as he winced. He was suffocating. When he went home, he stuffed his face into his pillow, his soft pillow, and cried.

Steve felt lucky that their relationship had started in March. He only suffered for two months. Ross had gotten busy prepping for AP exams, so Steve got to clear his head and think about all the times he saw Ross on Snapchat with a drink in his hand and a girl in his lap. Something about this made him feel like he had aged years and had been sent a video of his husband cheating on him after years of devotion. In hindsight, it was a stupid relationship, still harmful, but nowhere near a husband and husband. He was immensely glad because he couldn't imagine being married to a dick like Ross anyway. Steve had confronted Ross many times and had been dismissed. Ross would claim that it meant nothing. He was just in the closet and couldn't ever come out and Steve would just have to be okay with that. 

Steve thought that he did as well. The night before Ross left high school, he got a message that said: "u up?" The causality of it made Steve's skin grate, and he still went. He let Ross's hands unearth his body and felt his soul be chipped at again. He mourned the loss of his first required crush, his first boyfriend, and the chance to feel loved by someone.

He was glad when Ross didn't talk to him after that, but he also felt like shit. He never wanted someone to touch him again. The whole school had a different idea. Ross decided to say that Steve was a cockwhore and kept asking Ross to fuck him, but Ross would never touch someone of his status. He managed to leave chaos in his wake, probably scared that Steve would spread rumors about him. Not recognizing that no one cared about Steve at the school. That's when a group of boys who called themselves STRIKE, decided to attack him. Brock Rumlow was the leader. Constantly badgering him. The moment Steve would fight back, they would call him a fag and throw him down. Looking back, Ross didn't put that much effort into making it seem like they were in a relationship. Steve didn't even know what a real relationship should feel like.

-

Bucky was still watching him, waiting for an answer. Steve gave him a tight smile and said, "sure." In response, he got the cutest smile ever. Bucky probably couldn't wait to get Steve's mouth around him. He probably couldn't wait to push Steve around. Steve just wanted to feel Bucky's hands on him. He had nice hands, a few calluses that meant they were worn, as opposed to Steve's soft hands. Steve knew he could come off as feminine. Maybe Bucky liked that. He wasn't sure what to expect. Ross wasn't the only guy who has propositioned him. Others had tried, but Steve wasn't naive anymore. He only folded for Bucky because he liked Bucky and he was hoping that maybe, eventually, Bucky would like him back. 

The next week at school, Bucky couldn't stop touching Steve. They sat together at lunch, thighs pressed together and shoulders constantly brushing. Bucky nudged him when he thought Steve told a funny joke. Bucky kept sending him Tik Toks and memes, and Steve adored it. After school, Bucky put an arm up against Steve's locker and shut it. "Hey, punk," Buck spoke with a smirk. Steve fought the urge to blush as the 6'0" boy towered over him. He likes this feeling, the closeness, not the feeling of being surrounded. He doesn't think he could ever like that. 

"Hello, jerk," he teased back. Looking up at Bucky, he examined his face. The pure excitement was telling, so he probed. "What's up?" It wasn't out of the ordinary for Bucky to talk to Steve in school anymore. He liked having someone accompany him to classes and to hang around with after school a bit. 

"I was wondering if you wanted to get something to eat today?" Bucky pulled back a bit, hands shoved deep into his pockets. "There's a place that I really like but we would have to take the train to get there. It's just a few stops, like three at most." The hope in Bucky's eyes contrasted with his tentative body language. His voice sounded uncertain. Steve found comfort that he could make someone stumble a bit. Even if it was probably because Bucky wanted company and this was a new thing for their friendship. 

"Sure, but you closed my locker before I could get everything out," Steve admits. Bucky nods and chuckles at himself a bit. They leave the school, bodies brushing against each other. They pass by the student parking lot. "I wish I could drive," Steve murmurs despite the fact that they didn't need to have a conversation. The quiet was quite comfortable between them. 

"You would run everyone off the road with your rage," Bucky tossed back his head with a hearty laugh. 

"No, I wouldn't. I would be responsible and yell at those who were being reckless," Steve frowned, a bit petulant because he didn't want to admit how true it was. It was a bit of a walk to the train station and it was also kind of cold. The winter was just about to come in. 

"Stevie, you literally were yelling today at lunch about how the law is stupid," Bucky smirked a bit, clearly enjoying how riled up Steve got. Bucky was lucky that Steve enjoyed fighting. 

"I'll have you know that I am a law-abiding citizen. Some laws are stupid, not all." When they finally got on the train, it was cramped. He couldn't tell that it was winter anymore. The way the thick coats and jackets of the other people rubbed against him, pushing him further into Bucky, disgusted him. He had no idea where these people had been, but he didn't trust the people in the city. Half of the people on this train were just coming from school. Public schools. With dirty bathrooms and trashy food that they probably spilled all over themselves. He was a bit of a germaphobe, he hated to admit it. He knew that it wasn't the students' fault, though, so he tried to focus on the fact that Bucky had placed his palm on the small of his back to keep his steady. He wanted to believe the move was completely innocent. He thought it was. Bucky was only gazing at him in concern, a lack of arousal in his eyes. It was easier to talk since their bodies were smushed together. 

The diner was called The Howling Commandos and Bucky got Steve a seat directly in the middle. The color palette was easy on Steve's eyes. Creams and beiges with the accent of blue. The outfits of the servers were cute, the 50s theme. "Hey, Buckeroo! What brings you here?" A dark-skinned man with a nice smile walked over to their table. 

"I brought... someone." Steve wondered about Bucky's choice of words. Someone could mean a lot of things. Steve considered them to be friends, but the hesitation could hint at what Bucky had proposed on their last movie night. Steve wanted to be Bucky's boyfriend. He wanted to meet everyone Bucky thought was important for him to be introduced to. 

"Hello, it's nice to finally meet you, Steve. I'm Gabe." The man knew his name. Steve glanced at Bucky after shaking Gabe's hand and his face was something akin to a tomato. Steve wondered what had been said. Maybe Bucky had described how Steve's body wasn't all that, but there was something about it that Bucky couldn't help but feel attracted to. Steve's stomach twisted at the thought of being talked about that way. He didn't know what Bucky would have to say about him. 

"Okay well, I am going to order my usual." Bucky glared a bit at Gabe. Gabe smirked and walked away. 

"I hope it's okay that I'm getting us the same thing." Bucky's foot nudged his under the wooden table. 

"Yeah, I don't mind." If Steve ended up being allergic to anything, he had his EpiPen, but he asked what was in the food and it didn't have any nuts so Steve thought he would be fine. Another server came out with a plate of rice and baked beans, a burger that had tomatoes, onions, pickles, and mayonnaise, and some thick fries. Bucky had gotten ranch, buffalo sauce, and sweet and sour sauce to dip his fries in. "Hey, Bucky, hope everything goes well!"

"So, how come the servers here know you," Steve asked. He knew he was nosy, smiling slightly, dipping a fry into Bucky's buffalo sauce. Bucky's usually sunny demeanor changed a bit. Steve swallowed, "I'm sorry I should've asked before I did that."

"No, that's not it." Bucky glanced at anywhere but Steve's face before proceeding. "I have a pretty rough home life. I know you've been over before, but my dad and I... we aren't that close because I came out as gay before I started high school. My mom tries to support me in everything, but their relationship is strained because of that, and my little sisters have no idea what's going on." The few times Bucky had been to his house never included Steve meeting Bucky's family. "One night, my dad came home drunk off his ass, yelling at me. He said he didn't want a fag for a son. He woke up Becca and Gracie. They were scared shitless, of course. My dad was throwing shit and screaming. So I ran out. I used my bus pass and this is the only 24/7 diner, so I came in. I didn't have money but Gabe offered me food and I just kept coming back here." 

Steve was glad that Bucky felt comfortable enough to share that story with him. "Thank you for trusting me with that piece of yourself." He dipped another fry into Bucky's sweet and sour sauce, hoping to make Bucky smile and succeeding. "My father died when I was seven, so I never got to tell him about my admiration of males and females. I'm not sure he would've accepted me and I have yet to tell my mom. It takes a lot of courage to come out and continue with your life when the people you care about disapprove." Steve shifted a bit, preparing to reveal another story he wasn't sure he'd ever feel comfortable sharing. 

"My first boyfriend," and only, "outed me to the rest of the school and neglected to inform everyone else that we were involved. It's the reason I left Hydra." Steve waited for Bucky's response. He didn't intend to make the conversation about him, just one that both of them were vulnerable in so they could get closer. He also didn't want Bucky to think any less of him. 

"He shouldn't count." 

"Excuse me?"

"He was an ass to you and he didn't have the decency to tell the truth about your relationship. A real boyfriend would never. I would never." Bucky's words made Steve shiver and want to leap across the table, his shirt would be smudged with the sauce of the beans and the grains of rice, but the press of Bucky's plush red lips against his would make all of that seem like nothing. Instead, Steve smiled and looked down at his food. 

Bucky asks Steve to stay over on a school night, one where Sarah Rogers was working the graveyard shift, so Steve wouldn't get into any trouble. Bucky's room had posters of famous movies on the walls, constellations on the ceiling, and his sheets were a nice blue. Tonight, they were watching Thumbelina. It was a movie Steve had adored for years. The first time he watched it, he admits, he was scared of the frog because of his obsession with Thumbelina. She had uttered one word to him and he felt as though he owned her. The movie was kind of dark for children. Murder and death with the themes of greed and the childish idea of love at first interaction still made for a great film in Steve's opinion. Usually, he would chat about why certain scenes had compelled him to adore the movie, but he was quiet. He chalked it up to the pure adoration he had for the movie, but he knew it was because he was staying over.

There were expectations he wasn't sure he would be able to fulfill. Ross was the only experience he had. He wasn't sure that it was good, but Ross never failed to cum, so he assumed he was good enough. He hadn't asked Bucky about his experiences either. He didn't think he was a virgin, and he wasn't sure he wanted to know about Bucky's past. There was always a bit of insecurity and an ugly possessive mentality that Steve wanted to be someone's first and only so that he wouldn't have to measure up. He knew that wasn't the case and that when Bucky told him, he would be aware that this was just pleasure between friends and that the past is the past. Every friendship is different, so Steve was sure he could offer something that Bucky hadn't gotten. 

In Steve's duffle bag were condoms, lube, two extra pairs of underwear, a t-shirt for school in the morning and jeans, and some toiletries. Bucky was watching the movie just as intently up until the last scene where Thumbelina and the Prince got married. The last chords of the main song's reprise faded out. "Are you tired?" Bucky questioned. His breath smelled like the black pepper chips they were eating during the film. He nodded his head and went to brush his teeth. He willed himself to not be nervous, unsuccessfully. He walked back into the room, just in his boxers. 

"Do you sleep without your shirt off?" Bucky asked. Steve wanted to scream in disbelief. At the beginning of their friendship, this hadn't seemed possible. He swallowed dryly and proceeded to remove it. The chill of the winter night against his ivory skin left his nipples pebbled and goosebumps all over him. Bucky had a thick comforter for them to get under. He removed his shirt as well. Steve tried not to look at him. When he glanced, he saw a slightly toned chest, a happy trail that was sparse and a few freckles. 

Steve had turned away under the pretense that he was going to go to bed. Simply wanting to avoid the temptation before his eyes. He listened to Bucky's hot shallow breaths, puffing at his back under the cover. He felt the rise of his chest shifting the comforter up and down his shoulder. He closed his eyes and waited for tiredness to come, but it taunted him and never arrived. 

"Stevie." 

He wanted to stay friends, he wanted this moment to not ruin everything they built together. His name was said like Bucky had found an undiscovered precious metal. Steve turned and faintly saw through the light of the moon, Bucky's eyes twinkling. Steve moved his hand up Bucky's arm and watched him shiver. He inched closer, justifying it as sharing warmth. Bucky's eyes darted around his face before he leaned in. There was a moment before their lips touched where Steve could have back out and instead he surged forward. Feeling the softness and wetness of Bucky's mouth, indicating that he had licked his lips recently. His palm cupped Bucky's cheek, loving the stubble there. He gasped and Bucky's tongue made its way into Steve's mouth, exploring the sponginess there. Steve moved his tongue in and out at a slow rhythm before pulling back to lick at his lips. He traced Bucky's spit slick lips with his thumb. Kissing him softly, Steve moved down to the hollow of his throat. He licked across his collarbone and felt Bucky's hand sneak into his hair. The tug took his back for a second, so he pulled back. 

"Can you keep your hands out of my hair, please?" Steve didn't know he was capable of requesting things before. He was scared because of Ross and his response to his asks, but he didn't want to associate a wonderful guy like Bucky with Ross, so he mustered up the courage. 

"Oh, sorry," Bucky said sheepishly. Steve shrugged and continued to kiss and bite over Bucky's chest and neck. He sucked a bit at a certain spot, right under Bucky's jaw. "Where is it okay to grab because I'm not sure I can only touch the pillows right now," he whispered. Steve placed himself on top of Bucky, adoring his glazed eyes.

Steve guided his hands, "here," to his chest, "and here" to his thighs, "and here," placing them on his butt. Bucky sucked in a deep breath. They continued to make out languidly. Stealing each other's air as Steve began to rut down again Bucky. Steve's hands slowly made their way down Bucky's torso once he sat up a bit. He watched Bucky for reassurance that every movement was wanted. He tugged at Bucky's hair just above his cock, and Bucky moaned softly. Steve bit his lip. 

"Okay?" Bucky nodded so Steve pulled his boxers off and wrapped a dry hand around Bucky. Bucky's cock was impressive in length and girth. His head was a dusty rose and he had a few veins that weren't noticeable. The foreskin was pulled back slightly. Realizing that the pre-cum at the tip of Bucky's cock wasn't going to be enough, he moved his body down, tossing the covers away a bit to get a better view, and asked again. Bucky responded enthusiastically. Steve kissed the tip, teasing him a bit and hummed. He licked just underneath the head, up and down the shaft.

He rolled his tongue around him and held onto Bucky's thigh to feel him tense. He put his mouth around him and bobbed his head up and down slowly. Sucking ever so slightly, eliciting a "please" from Bucky. Steve liked this. Having someone to take care of and appreciate. Bucky's hands weren't near his hair, they were fisted into the sheets and tugging at them. He imagined the bed would look as utterly fucked after all this as Bucky did right now. He moved his head faster, recognizing that he wasn't going to be able to fit all of Bucky in his mouth. He used his hand for the rest. He liked the feeling of Bucky hardening in his mouth. He pulled off, a string of spit following his puffy lips. He felt a little sore since it had been a while, but he kept it up. He watched Bucky as he put his arms over his eyes and thrust up a little bit into his hand. 

Bucky began to pant, his breaths were short and choppy as moans slipped out. "I wish I could hear how loud you clearly want to get," Steve admitted. He wasn't sure what effect his words would have on Bucky but by the way his thighs shook and he whimpered, it was something good. "I want to feel you cum in my mouth," he confessed as well. He licked over the slit and dipped his finger in the cum there. He sucked on his pointer finger and moaned. He sucked at the head and felt Bucky pulse in his mouth with a gasp. He hummed and Bucky twitched. 

He pulled off once Bucky's legs began to curl. "Holy shit," Bucky muttered accompanied by a hand running through his hair. "Holy fuck."

Steve felt how he looked. Steve brushed his hair away from his forehead, happy that Bucky wasn't shying away from his touch. "Can I touch you?" Steve wasn't familiar with others' hands on him. He knew what it felt like to wrap a hand around himself in the late of night, a rushed orgasm in the shower before he headed to school. Nothing from another person, nothing from someone who cared. He knew he would last a few seconds. Especially after having Bucky's cum slide down his throat. Despite the saltiness of it from Bucky's teenage diet, he fucking loved it. 

"Yes." Bucky's hands took Steve out of his briefs. The article of clothing being left on could exhibit carelessness if it was anyone else, but Steve knew that Bucky was desperate to touch him from the way his eyes looked. Steve watched his mouth as Bucky spread his cum all over his cock, tugging slightly with a twist on the upstroke. His arm flexed as his movements began to take on a rapid rushed movement. Steve closed his eyes in bliss, his mouth dropping open as the pleasure began to rush to his lower belly. He felt so warm and cared for as Bucky's hand brought them closer together. Steve never made noise in his own house and was silent now as he closed his eyes and came on Bucky's fist and his chest as well as his own. Bucky kissed his forehead and got a rag for them to clean up. They fell asleep wrapped in each other.

Steve woke up to an empty bed. For a moment, he was confused and thought that he was in his own home, but the curtains here weren't the same color. Steve put on his change of clothes after taking a shower in Bucky's bathroom. He went back and sat on his bed, waiting for Bucky's return. Instead, he heard laughter coming from down the hall. Bucky was with a woman who looked like him and two younger girls. He remembers Bucky mentioning them faintly. Becca and Gracie. The girls were staring at him blankly. 

"Bucky's got a boyfriend!" One of them teased. Bucky swatted at her, and the mom encouraged them to stop. He wonders what Bucky told his mom. Steve couldn't imagine talking to his mom about fucking some kid he met at school. Bucky wasn't some kid to Steve. He was his best friend and his crush. He wasn't sure what this all meant to Bucky.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs.Barnes. And you as well," he said to Bucky's younger siblings. 

"Oh, don't be silly! Call me Winnie." Her smile made Steve feel a bit better. He didn't expect to meet Bucky's family ever. He is more familiar with tiptoeing past sleeping parents on the couch while their television plays a re-run from some stupid sitcom. He nodded then and stood next to Bucky. 

"How come I've never seen you before?" One of Bucky's sisters, he wasn't brave enough to ask the difference, was leaning towards him. 

"I'm kind of new. I became friends with Bucky a few weeks ago and-"

"And you fell madly in love with him!" Based on the way the girls talked, Steve assumed they were under the age of 10. He would have loved to have younger siblings or any siblings at all. it got lonely just waiting for his mom to come home from work. There were some bonuses, but they were few and far between.

"Gracie, stop it," Bucky scolded. Was it so horrible for Steve to love Bucky? He wasn't sure he did yet. They had only known each other for a few weeks. He knew that he really enjoyed his company. He liked being in his arms and he was someone Rogers wanted to talk to at the end of an insufferable school day. He didn't want to think about love, at least, not in terms of someone he wasn't sure would like to date him romantically.

"I'm madly in love with someone," Becca blurted out. "We're going to get married one day. He's in my favorite band and he sings like an angel!" Based on this, Steve believed they were 12. Steve remembers how he thought that love was something unconditional at that age, that is until Sam Kotsh spilled his ice cream cone all over Steve's favorite shirt. 

"Who would marry you?" Gracie mocked. 

"More people than would marry you!" Becca fired back. Steve's eyebrows raised a bit, but he stopped himself from being too noticeable. By the end of breakfast, Steve had gotten a hang of their dynamic. Gracie loved to tease her siblings and was as sharp as a knife. Becca, being the youngest, had a more childish look at things and Steve admired her innocence. Those might have been the best days of his life. Bucky was protective, but he was also quiet in an unfamiliar way. Winnie didn't talk a lot either. Steve thought that from the way Bucky spoke in private with him, he would be the main one speaking. 

Steve headed home around 8, knowing his mom's commute would get him home before her. She usually didn't work on Sundays. Sarah would sleep in and Steve would cook dinner for her to eat once she woke up. He closed the door and put down his duffel bag by the door. He wanted more nights like last night. Peaceful and pleasurable. Nights filled with Bucky Barnes' smile and his arms keeping Steve warm.

On Friday afternoon, Steve got a text from Bucky saying there was a party at Stark's. Bucky and Steve shared the same animosity for Tony, but Bucky explained that his parties weren't ones to be missed. Steve was worried that Tony might kick him out when he got there, but as he waited by the door of Tony Stark's mansion, he noticed freshman coming in, sophomores, and students that he had never seen before. He assumed they were from other schools. It would be easy enough to stay clear of Stark. Steve's button-up shirt was sticking to his armpits. he tugged at his collar a bit, feeling like the guy waiting with flowers to pick up the girl of his dreams. Except Bucky wasn't a girl and this wasn't a romantic movie. He hadn't, (and wasn't sure he could muster up the courage to), asked Bucky on a date. Bucky asked him. And this wasn't a date. It was a high school party. Where one of them would get drunk and someone would embarrass themselves and Steve was praying it wouldn't be him. 

"Hey!" Bucky scooped him up in his arms, squeezing slightly. Steve felt his legs leave the ground for a moment. "Sorry I kept you waiting," Bucky smiled, combing his fingers through his hair. It looked freshly washed. It was still winter outside, so he had a denim jacket on and some skinny jeans that hugged his ass nicely. Steve hadn't gotten to pay much attention to it the other day. 

"No, it's fine. Let's go in." They walked together, shoulders brushing. Bucky said hi to so many people. Steve knew he didn't have many friends because he was new to the school, and yet he still wondered how he didn't notice the magnitude of Bucky Barnes. Girls kind of fawned over him. One of them being Dolores O'Connor. She had red hair, freckles, and long legs. 

"Hey, Dot!" Bucky gave her a side hug, which "Dot" seemed to take it as the opportunity to grab his hand and keep herself under his arm. Steve felt... like he used to. Out of place and invisible. He knew he was in over his head. What was he thinking? It was just a blowjob. They were just friends. And probably not even good friends, Bucky clearly had a lot of those. They chattered to each other, Dot slapping his lightly as she laughed at a joke. Steve thinks he understands why he would be interested in her. She seems like she's in shape, she had nice red lipstick on and good hair. She had a light voice, perfect for audiobooks. She seemed friendly. 

"Meet my Steve," Bucky turned to him. He hadn't been paying attention so Steve just smiled. That seemed to be the right response as Dot waved back and made some remark that she had to go talk to her friends. Bucky repeated the action that Dot had put herself in and Steve was underneath him. Sweating a bit, but not minding it. They reached a room in the house where their friends were sitting. There was a beer bottle in the middle which made Steve aware of the fact that Bucky had not taken them to get any drinks. Steve had not been able to execute his plan well, seeing that Stark was a part of this circle.

Bucky sat on the couch, rather than in the circle. Steve placed himself next to him, understanding that's where Bucky wanted him tonight. "You don't want a drink?" 

"No. I don't drink. Do you?" Steve wasn't sure if him drinking would be something Bucky would be bothered by, but Steve wasn't particularly interested in alcohol right now. He shook his head and watched the game. Spin The Bottle wasn't something Steve ever partook in because Steve never really went to Hydra's high school parties. He wasn't invited. This game seemed gross. Unlike the movies where the main character got to kiss his crush, Steve got to watch Stark sloppily make out with Rhodey and Pepper, Thor gave pecks to Carol Danvers and Bruce, and Natasha refused to kiss Barton when it landed on him. Steve thinks they're dating each other. Nat is too secretive to be able to tell. 

Now, it was Peggy Carter's turn. She leaned over, fingers flicking the bottle into the air and landing on Steve. Someone cackled, "Seven Minutes In Heaven!" Which led to hoots and hollers and Peggy Carter's hand in his face. Steve took it, getting off the couch. He didn't spare a glance at Bucky, and he should have. He sat on the bed of the room they were led to. She sat next to him, but nowhere near him. 

"I don't know how to say this but," Steve paused, "I just came in here to be polite. I'm not really up for kissing anybody or anything like that. Sorry," he blushed. He looked at her for a moment, noticing her stifling a giggle. 

"That's fine, I'm not up for anything either." Peggy looked different. In school, she dresses sort of business casual. Peggy was just in skinny jeans and a crop top. She didn't have her red lipstick on either. "You don't seem like the party type," she added. Steve shrugged. He wasn't sure what to say. They hadn't talked that much. 

"I mean, the last time you came to a party, you didn't really talk." The first party where he met her. 

"Well, it was a new environment. I talk a lot more when I'm comfortable," he mused. 

"And when you're drunk?"

He scoffed playfully, "you haven't even seen me drunk!" Peggy giggled. She looked around the room, probably thinking the same thing as Steve. Was this a guest room? How many rooms were in this house? Then again, she's known Tony longer. He looks like someone who has been throwing parties since he knew what they were. It would be funny to imagine a young child asking to speak to his friends on the phone saying, "bring your own juice boxes".

"Well, I can tell. Girls just know these things, you see."

"Ah, a sixth sense," he said amused. He liked that he felt calm for once. Maybe it's because she seemed to have a pretty good impression of him already, but still, everyone was assuming they were in here fucking or something, and instead they were just talking. 

"Yes, precisely." She spoke very proper. It aligned with her accent. He wanted to ask her about where she was from a bit, but it seemed they had been chatting for longer than they thought. A knock at the door came and it was Bucky. Peggy nodded to him, "Steve." She walked off without waiting for his response. Bucky had removed his denim jacket. It was curved over his bent arm and his face was blank. Bucky got like this sometimes in class. He would tell him later that he just didn't understand the material and ELA is the class that's needed to move onto the next grade. Bucky had a B+, but the pressure he put on himself made him feel like that was an F. 

"So," he started, "how was it?"

Steve wasn't sure what he should say. The truth, of course, but if something had happened, would the amount of detail give Bucky free reign to talk about whoever he had been with? "What?" He decided he needed clarification in case he could misstep here. 

"I mean, I told Dot that we were involved and you were right there." Steve wasn't paying attention then. He should've been. Did he flat out tell her that they were fucking? "And, I know I didn't say it before but I thought that you knew this was exclusive." Steve didn't know how to proceed. Bucky upset was sort of attractive, the furrow in his brow and his slight aggression intimidating Steve in the best way, but he never wanted to hurt Bucky. 

"We didn't do anything, Bucky. I didn't want to." Steve stood up, trying to get closer to Bucky without spooking him off. Bucky nodded at that, a breath of relief was released. Bucky came closer and pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

"I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. It's just," he paused uncertainly, "I think you're really amazing and I'm a little scared that when everyone else catches on, you won't want me anymore." It wasn't something Steve had ever expected Bucky to say. It seemed to weigh a heavy load for just friends. But then Steve remembered, they aren't just friends. They're friends who have done something more. And it clearly meant something to Bucky, but maybe not all it meant to Steve. There was something scary about Bucky's response. Not because Steve didn't like how attached Bucky was to him, but because he wasn't sure why he was. Steve believed that Bucky's eyes would be the ones wandering. That at this party, he would've dragged Dot into this room and came out with rustled hair and crinkled clothes. Instead, Steve stood in Bucky's arms, feeling too comfortable. 

"Well, I'm not really looking at anyone else. I never really did in the first place," Steve admitted shyly. The gravity of this statement could possibly scare Bucky off, but Steve thought that they both needed the reassurance. Steve tilted his head up so Bucky could press their lips together. The tenderness continued and Bucky guided him back to the bed. He stared at the ceiling for a moment before Bucky's blue eyes came into view. His cheeks were a bit red. Steve had never hooked up with anyone at a party. Bucky kissed his neck, sucking lightly at first. Steve's hands made their way into his hair. He tugged and gasped in response to what Bucky was doing. 

"Buck," he called out softly, not wanting to startle him. Bucky's hands were wrapped around his waist and he tugged Steve's legs around his waist. "Buck," he said a bit firmer. Bucky stopped his movements. His hands were still placed on Steve's thighs. They stared at each other for a while. Steve wanted to catch his breath. They had barely done anything and he felt so unstable like the world had titled and Steve and Bucky were making out of the roof. He felt like Bucky had shocked him alive. He was nervous when he first came to the party because of the crowded musty air. The sweaty bodies that were dancing against each other could sweep Bucky away. He was scared that Bucky wouldn't look back and Steve would end up outside in the cold, chills going through his body because he forgot to bring a thick enough coat. None of that had happened. Instead, Bucky held on tightly to him, to the point where Steve's blood circulation could cut off, but it would be okay because Bucky would breathe for him and Steve would be fine. He hated how much he relied on him already. He loved that he felt safe enough to.

Steve pushed Bucky over so he could be on top. He had already lost so much control. He pushed his hips into him and kissed underneath his earlobe, just to feel Bucky shutter. Steve wanted to tell Bucky to slow down earlier. That thought had faded the moment he saw Bucky's face in the dim yellow lighting of the room. Steve thinks it's a guest room based on the minimal decorations. Bucky's hips met his and they found a rhythm. It was frantic at first, as were the kisses they shared. Tongues dragging over each other, a bit of spit got on Bucky's chin and Steve suckled his lower lip. Bucky groaned, his arm wrapping Steve in so close that the movements they made were short. Steve felt like the denim was going to cause him chaffing, so he stopped. He removed his pants and loved the look in Bucky's eyes as he did.

Bucky followed frantically. Then, Steve was back to straddling him. Bucky's thighs were pretty strong. Steve grasped at them for a moment before focusing on his main task. Steve ground slowly into him, his cock throbbing a bit. His hand traveled through Bucky's hair, rubbing the pads of his fingers lightly against his scalp. He knew how calm this made Bucky. He felt so connected to him. Maybe he was being naive, thinking that this was the most intimate moment in his life. And yet, he wasn't sure he could ever get something like this again. Bucky looked magnificent, his pupils blown, his lips ruddy and swollen. Steve felt like he was pressed against a marble statue, but so much softer and warmer. Bucky's hands were wrapped around his waist, encouraging his movement. Steve couldn't get enough of him. Bucky bit back a moan, considering the fact that they were at a party. Steve leaned closer to him and whispered, "moan for me. I want everyone at the party to know you're mine." The words made him blush a bit and he wasn't sure where they came from. It was too late to take it back and it seemed to have a good effect. Bucky's hips sped up as he said Steve's name over and over. Their teenage libido got the best of them, and they came. Steve twitched a bit, his thighs tensing and releasing.

Bucky laughed and kissed Steve, "we gotta do that again sometime." Steve agreed. 

After the party, Bucky's affections were more blatant. They hadn't kissed at school, but Steve would sometimes sit in Bucky's lap at lunch. Bucky would whisper in his ear that he wanted Steve to come over after school so he could put his mouth on him. Steve would shiver and bat him off, clearly enjoying the attention. Everyone had side-eyed them already, but no one dared to say anything, and Steve was immensely grateful for that. He couldn't imagine telling Sam that he was only hooking up with Bucky. He knew that after that he would confess his feelings. The thing was, Steve was okay with the love Bucky was giving him. He had Bucky's attention even if they weren't dating. This had been going on for almost a month now. They had known each other for two months before anything sexual had happened and in Steve's teenage mind, that was enough time to offer up something they had never done before. When he was with Ross, they had had sex without any waiting. Bucky, however, never asked to take anything further. 

Steve asked one night as he laid next to Bucky, sketchbook in hand, "have you ever had sex?" Bucky was throwing grapes up in the air and catching them in his mouth.

He proceeded, unfazed, "yeah we have sex all the time." Steve scoffed and rested his head against the wall. 

"I mean like _sex_." Steve had a tight grip on his vermillion Prismacolor colerase pencil. He wasn't sure why he cared so much. Of course, there was a certain amount of care he was going to have about this because if they were ever going to have sex, he wanted to know how he could make Bucky's experience with him one of the best, if not the best he has ever had in his short life. Steve didn't want to be jealous or overly invested in Bucky. At the same time, he didn't want Bucky to have so many people to compare Steve too. He knew what to do when it came to everything else, but all he could think about was the discomfort he felt when Ross pushed in and the lack of prep and how when he talked about it with Sam, his eyes were filled with fury but his arms just wrapped Steve in a hug. He thinks if Sam knew about what they were doing now, he would hate Bucky so whenever they talk he never mentions him. Sam thinks Steve is a fragile little boy who needs to get over his trauma. Steve thinks he was just an idiot who neglected to see someone's true colors because he was lonely. 

"Yeah, once." Steve felt like every time he had sex, it was a bad trip over and over and he could never escape. At least, not until Ross left the school and he did too. 

"How was it?"

"It was with a girl. It was pretty awkward and I didn't really know what I was doing. And it was short," he reminisced shyly, "I don't ever want to know how to please a girl though. I'm not interested in anyone else right now." Steve wondered if he should imply the just you filtering through his head or leave his naive thoughts alone. "How about you?" The question was quiet but nothing else was going on so Steve was guaranteed to hear. 

Steve wasn't sure he wanted to answer. He sketched a few more lines, adding pressure to darker the outline of a figure that resembled Bucky all too well. "Yeah with my ex-boyfriend." He left it at that. Bucky could make his own conclusions. Steve knew if he delved in any further it would end with his head in the toilet, a locked door, and Bucky probably asking for Steve to let him in. He had already said that the relationship was shit earlier.

"How was it?" Bucky inquired. Steve sighed. He knew it would be rude to ignore Bucky's question, so he asked him to drop the subject. Bucky was probably asking because Bucky had given those details up but Steve didn't want to think about the icy look that the blond had after they fucked. It gave him chills to think about how Ross treated him and he hated that those experiences shaped the way he felt now.

"It was a bad relationship and I don't ever really want to talk about it. Sorry," he added. Being closed off wasn't attractive, he knew, but he just hated thinking about Ross. The bond boy left him feeling like shit and he still did a bit from time to time. It was a learning experience in many ways. Steve knew now that he could never be with someone who might not be open with their emotions, and although Bucky and him weren't dating, Bucky wasn't afraid to talk about how he feels. 

"No, it's fine. Your business is your business and if you ever feel like you want to share your past with me, I'm all ears. I would never want to do something that made you uncomfortable." Bucky sounded so sincere and Steve just-

He leans over, pressing his mouth firmly to the most amazing boy he's ever met, holding his face in his hands gently. Bucky was under Steve a little, seeing as he had been laying back against the bed and Steve was sitting with his legs crossed. Treasuring him the way Bucky has treasured their friendship. Steve wishes Bucky would have been his crush all those years ago. He always wonders how he would be without any relationship trauma. "I brought it up because I want to have sex with you. For real," Steve confessed. He looked into Bucky Barnes's eyes and saw them light up. 

"Yeah, sure." He paused for a moment, uncertainty taking over his face, "right now?" 

"No, but sometime soon would be nice. No rush, of course." If Steve sounded eager, he was a bit. Bucky had made him feel great, mainly because Steve got to take care of him. Bucky looked so happy after they gave each other blowjobs or after making out. Steve never wanted that look to leave his eyes.

Bucky looked around at the drawings on Steve's wall. "Is that your dad?" Bucky inquired. Steve didn't have a good picture of his dad in his mind. 

"I had to use a photo reference," Steve pouted slightly. "He died when I was young and I remember him pretty well, but I couldn't draw him from memory," Steve continued. All the time the boys had spent together led to Steve being able to doodle Bucky from his brain. Nothing too detailed though. 

"You really look like him. Think you could grow those sideburns?" Bucky teased. 

"And look like I'm from the 70s?" Bucky chuckled and popped another grape into his mouth.

"I think it's pretty hot, Stevie. And, the 70s were an awesome time. Psychedelics and rock!" Steve just laughed at him playing air guitar. Steve considered growing sideburns for a moment.

"Did you just call my dad hot?"

* * *

The necessary preparations were made. Steve got lube and condoms from the CVS down the street and prayed that they didn't tell his mom. Steve and his mom were frequent buyers. CVS had everything they needed if they were too tired to go to the grocery store. He also got Bucky's favorite candy bar and some water. He kept them in a dresser drawer that was full of random items. Steve had his father's watch, some of his old drawings, and a sock in there. He hid the supplies underneath the drawings and hoped that when his mom finally did the laundry, she didn't think to look in there. She had seen that it was junk before, but mom instincts have a mysterious way of exposing him and his deviant behavior (at least in the eyes of his mom. It was understandable for her not to encourage Steve to have underage sex. Especially after what happened with Ross, Steve understood too well, but it was too late now. Steve wanted to enjoy sex and not go into the rest of his life completely scarred by his experiences. Ross didn't get to have that power.)

Two weeks after the conversation was brought up, they finally got to be alone in Steve's house. (They hadn't brought it up again. Instead, the moments they spent alone were mainly platonic. Filled with animal crossing gameplay while arguing about the best villagers, Steve spending time with Bucky's little sisters and getting to know his mom more. Mrs.Barnes was extremely kind and that was echoed in Bucky. In Steve's house, his mom was still not home, but Bucky and Steve focused on helping each other out with homework. They still kissed and occasionally their hands wandered, but this was pushing their relationship in a direction Steve was unsure of.) Bucky placed his overnight bag on the floor next to Steve's door and his shoes. Bucky had a pair of socks they were decorated with avocados, cucumber slices, and celery sticks. Steve was waiting on the bed, supplies on the dresser. 

It felt calculated, he knew, but it wasn't uncomfortable. They were prepared. It was their first time together and Steve didn't want it to be absolute shit. Steve sat in his underwear, shirt off. Bucky took his clothes off as well, now mirroring the blond. In the movies, the couples go under the covers. Steve thought his room might be too warm for that, but he did it anyway and waited for Barnes to follow. "Are you sure about this?" 

Steve nodded. They stared at each other with their heads laying on his pillows for a moment before Steve decided to make the first move. He kissed Bucky, feeling his soft lips. They were sticky a bit, sort of like he had lip gloss on them or something. Steve slid his hand down towards Bucky's cock. He usually had pubic hair, but Steve felt the stubble of shaved skin there. He wondered if Bucky shaved lower. Steve stroked Bucky gently, swallowing his moans and tightening on the upstroke. Bucky did the same thing, their hands moving in sync. The feeling was so familiar and Steve felt Bucky grow hard in his hand. He moved on top of him, rolling his hips, pushing Bucky's hand into himself. "fuck," he whispered. 

He understood that he couldn't last long. Luckily, Bucky was ready for the next step. "Fuck me, please." Steve, in his small stature, was expecting to feel Bucky inside him. He didn't want it again necessarily, but he thought that Bucky might make it good for him. Although he knew that it could hurt, it was Bucky and he loved- 

He pushed the thought away. Steve got the lube. He had seen enough porn. It wasn't realistic, but he was sure he had a good idea of how to make this a good experience. He squirted some on his fingers, heart hammering, fingers sweaty so some of it went on his bed. He got a generic brand that didn't disintegrate condoms. Up until this part, everything had been done. "You gotta tell me if I do something you don't like," Steve said adamantly.

"I will." He had before, too. Steve and Bucky had tried a few kinks they'd seen on the internet for shits and giggles but they learned that bondage isn't for them. Bucky complained that he felt too disconnected and Steve didn't like that he had more control than he was used to. Steve kept his hand around Bucky to ensure that something about this would be pleasurable. 

"Have you done this before?" Bucky nodded. "Yeah?" Steve circled his pointed finger around Bucky's perineum, pushing slightly and feeling Bucky's asshole suck him in. He applied more lube to his fingers. "Just breathe, babe. Do you do this late at night and think about me?" Bucky nodded a bit. He wanted to distract him from the intrusion and he pressed in further, almost getting his whole finger down to the knuckle. He began to push his finger in and out in a straight motion. Steve hadn't played with himself as much. He didn't think he enjoyed it. 

"Steve, can you move your finger in a different way?" It painted Steve a bit to have done this wrong, but he could make it better. Bucky was communicating with him and this was Steve's first time. That much was clear to Bucky now. It wasn't like Steve wanted to come off as some sex god or anything, but he had this idea in his mind that he would understand Bucky's body without words. Blowjobs had been successful from the get-go because he had practice. All he needed was to do this some more. So, Steve listened to Bucky's instructions once he asked for more information. He used a come hither motion and paired that with the occasional movement of his hand on Bucky. He couldn't multitask just yet.

Steve worked Bucky on two fingers and then three. "Have you taken three before?" Bucky squirmed, pushing his hips onto Steve's fingers. He shook his head no. Bucky had become more enthusiastic and Steve was forever grateful. He was unsure of what he was doing and was beginning to get a little worried. Bucky's cock was spouting pre-come and Steve took his thumb, pressing down a bit there and rubbing. 

"Please," he whispered, "please fuck me." Steve had managed to say hard. Bucky's moaning spurring him on and the slight grinding Steve had done on Bucky's thigh certainly helped. Steve tried to put on the condom and he fumbled. Holy shit, how is Bucky so fucking calm? He got the condom on properly on the third try. He knew that doggy style was the easiest position for them, but Bucky stopped him from rolling him over. "I want to see you," he said. Only now could Steve see the nervousness in his eyes, the shaky tone from arousal and anticipation in his voice. Steve kissed him and lubed up the condom just in case. They propped Bucky up on a pillow. 

Steve pushed his head in at a snail's pace. "Holyfucking-" Steve groaned. Bucky was tight and warm and this was too much. He felt like his skin was on fire and he was ready to jump out of himself because he had to have so much restraint. When he bottomed, it was nothing like this. Bucky urged Steve forward a bit, and together they managed to fit Steve inside of Bucky without Steve prematurely exploding. His hips fit so well into Bucky's butt. He pushed out a little and that was almost too much. 

He kept it up for a few paces. "Touch yourself," he urged Bucky. The brunette nodded and moved his hand. Bucky's hips were moving as well, just sucking Steve in. He watched Bucky move so sultrily. Steve leaned down to kiss at his neck, sucking there and groaning. "Fuck, you feel so good." His hips stuttered, his thrusts were still gentle but irregular. He seized up, his thigh shaking as he came. Bucky moaned and held Steve for a moment. 

Steve felt bad as he flopped off of Bucky. Bucky was watching him, caressing the side of his face. In response, Steve kissed the pad of his thumb, swirling the tip and sucking a bit. Bucky's hips cause the bed to roll and spurts of come covered Bucky's chest and his fingers. "Holy shit!" Bucky giggled. 

"It was good?"

"Yeah, Rogers, it was amazing." Steve wanted to let the compliment go to his head. He watched for that same smile he got Bucky to make after he came. Bucky only had so much knowledge of sex and Steve was sure someone could give his something better, someone would have more endurance and be able to touch Bucky at the same time as fucking him, but for now, Steve just cleaned them up. Steve wanted to tell Bucky he had to get up, that he couldn't stay, but the warmth and the feeling that Bucky wanted him for more than just these moments where they brought each other pleasure made him snuggle in closer. He would just have to tell him in the morning, he thought as his eyes fluttered shut. 

"Steven Grant Rogers!" His mom's voice exclaimed. Steve startled and the body beside him did too. _Shit._ He didn't think about the fact that his mom was going to head home at an early time. He looked to his alarm, noticing that it was 9 am. Bucky covered his eyes, clearly not ready to wake up. Something about that made Steve think about what it would be like to live with him. Bucky's hair wouldn't be as long, his beard would be full and he would be a little shit in the morning without coffee and kisses. Steve was truly fucked in more ways than one. Steve nudged at his shoulder, hoping that would urge him to wake up. 

"One more minute, Stevie," he mumbled into the pillow. 

"No more minutes!" His mom responded. This time Bucky got up, but not without a curse under his breath. The covers pooled over Steve and Bucky's legs, but they both didn't have their shirts on so there couldn't have been any more incriminating evidence. "Get out," she took a deep breath, "please." Bucky scrambled out of the bed with no underwear. His mom looked away and so did he. 

"Bye, Stevie," Bucky looked back to say before he left. Steve shrunk himself in, not wanting to face his mom's wrath. Sarah looked at him exasperated. She looked for a place to sit and pulled up a chair from Steve's desk. She ran her hands through her hair. Steve noticed she was still in her scrubs. Fuck, he kind of felt bad. He hadn't spent any real time with his mom in forever. And although her job kept her busy, he was spending most of his time with Bucky, who had now made a pretty bad impression on his mom. 

"Who was that?" The first question was tamer than Steve expected, and yet hard to answer. Bucky wasn't his boyfriend and it wasn't really his mom's business if he decided to have casual sex. 

"My friend." He decided to be honest. 

"Like that boy from your old school?" His mom had a fair assessment of his old school, and up until this moment, he thought his mom hadn't known who Ross was. He talked to him on the phone a few times, mainly because Ross wanted him to sneak out of his house late at night and Steve didn't want to completely lie to his mom. "I-" She pressed her thumb over her fingers. He told her that he was going to see a friend. She was glad for him and only discouraged him if he hadn't finished his homework, but she was so happy that he had someone to talk to. He assumed that when he told her that he was outed, some dots must've connected. 

"I wasn't sure but this confirmed it. You were so hurt. Physically and emotionally and I wanted you to come to me. You never did, so I assumed you weren't comfortable enough to talk about it, but I'm not going to have some guy in my house who's hurting you, too." She reached out to pet Steve's hair and he flinched a bit. "I have no idea what your other relationship was like, but you never seemed happy and the few times that I do get to see you, you look, radiant darling," She smiled slightly, something somber about her words.

"I didn't know how to tell you and I still don't. Bucky is a friend who cares about me and I care for him, too," he concluded. There were many other layers in their relationship, but Steve could only share so much at the moment. He didn't know if he could ever feel comfortable sharing that part of his life with his mom, but it was comforting to know that he could. 

"Good." She got up and put the chair back on the desk. "Steve?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Make sure to use a condom whenever you engage in a sexual act," her voice took on a serious tone as she instructed him. 

"Mom! We're 18!" 

"Your age does not prevent you from getting an STI and I want to make sure you're okay," she reasoned. Steve buried his face in his pillow and made sure to text Bucky about the whole ordeal. It was kind of embarrassing to come out of the room after sucking Bucky's dick and seeing his baby sisters and mom. Bucky had responded and Steve was thankful that their relationship hadn't been ruined entirely. In fact, Bucky asked him if they wanted to see a movie together. Some new animated movie about a superhero who was an alien and had to fight off humans who were invaded his planet.

The theatre they went to was one with seats made for a couple to sit at. A little stainless steel table was right in front of it with a meal that Bucky had to order before coming there. It was clearly expensive and Bucky wouldn't let him pay for any of it. He knew Bucky's family had a bit of money, but it wasn't like Steve was lacking in that department either. Steve wasn't sure what would make Bucky splurge all this money on him of all people, but it was nice to not be in their houses for once. The movie wasn't packed at all when it started. Probably because they were watching a kids' movie during a time where kids were still in school. 

Once they were sat with fries and buffalo sauce and two cups of Sprite, Steve did what they always do. He rested his head on Bucky's shoulder and rubbed his thigh a bit, slowly making his way up to the crotch of Bucky's jeans. Bucky took Steve's hand in his, entangling their fingers and just left their hands on his thigh. Steve wondered what that meant. Bucky looked at him and smiled, but Steve couldn't really see what that smile meant. He thought about the afterglow of their first time. Was Bucky's smile the same as it always was or was he just placating him? Did Steve suck? Did Bucky not want him to touch him anymore. He wondered about how this was going to unravel. Bucky didn't seem that interested in popularity, but what was the best way to get rid of a nuisance like Steve?

As the movie played on, Steve realized these feelings weren't new. When he went home, despite all of his efforts, he was scared that Bucky wouldn't want to see him again. He knew that eventually they would fall off and he hoped that it would just be because they were going to college. He didn't want them to, though. He wanted Bucky to look him in the eye and say that he wanted him to be his boyfriend, that he wanted to facetime through the first semester of college until they got to go on break. He wanted to sleep in Bucky's dorm and he wanted to tell him about his terrible professors and his favorite ones. 

He felt his hand sweat in Bucky's palm. he wanted to feel comfortable and secure enough to leave in there, He didn't. He pulled his hand away gently, his throat burning, and his heart galloping. He chewed on the fries. They were thinly cut and sort of drenched with oil. The buffalo sauce made it taste a bit better. He focused on the movie, pushing out the thoughts he had been having before he paid attention. Things hurt afterward, when they were walking out of the theatre. Bucky and Steve lived in different directions, so Steve would travel home alone and have enough time to wallow in his guilt for being the worst lay ever. He hadn't even asked Bucky if he was in pain in the morning. 

He understood that they were friends first. "I had a really great time tonight. I mean, I always do with you," Bucky smiled. Steve tried to return it. "Did you like the movie? You can say no," he nudged Steve's shoulder. He hated that they were friends only. Steve couldn't go back to a completely platonic relationship because that meant Bucky could move on. So many people admired him already, people who would be better than Steve. He wondered how much of the things Bucky did with him were just teenage cravings because he had felt like Bucky had cared. 

"I liked it just fine, Buck." As they walked back to the train station, Bucky rambled on about his favorite parts. Ross's actions were a compilation of teenage cravings and shame. Steve knew that Bucky could say that he didn't want him anymore. He understood that this wasn't a binding thing and that sex and relationships never should be. This didn't feel like a boundary, it felt like walking away. Steve knew that pieces of him were going to go when Bucky did. His lastest sketchbook had been filled with his face from all different angles and with all different expressions. Steve just wanted to be good enough for him.

Bucky stopped at the entrance of the train station. "Well, goodnight Stevie," he smiled. He bent down to place a kiss on Steve's cheek and Steve couldn't. He pushed back a bit and Bucky pulled away in response. Respecting his decision as always. He walked away and went to catch his train. He ignored the flash of hurt on Bucky's face when he did. He couldn't escape it at night though. He thought of their moments together and how he felt wanted by someone without strings attached. The sexual aspect had been a nice thing to have and he knew they could be friends without it. 

There was something about his distance occurring after they had sex that felt like Bucky was pulling away and regretting them. Bucky didn't want to try again, didn't allow Steve any room to improve. That was his first time topping and he knows he sucked, but he also knows that he could improve. He didn't want to cry over a guy, but as the tears welled up and his throat clogged as he fought back sobs, he knew that Bucky Barnes wasn't some guy. He was Steve's first love. His investment in him hadn't been misplaced because Bucky's interest in Steve was mutual. He just cried himself to sleep because he couldn't handle his thoughts anymore.

School was awkward because Steve had pulled away and so had Bucky. They were talking, sure, but the conversations were so stilted. The lunch table had been awkward as well. Steve sat next to Thor and Sam instead of at the edge with Bucky where they were normally wrapped up in their conversation and only talking to each other. Bucky had glanced at him a few times and Steve loved that. It meant that Bucky still cared. Steve just wasn't sure which way he did. After school was bad, too. Usually, he would follow Bucky on the train ride home. Now, at the end of the day, he stood alone in the crowded halls and watched Bucky leave through the double doors. Forgetting about Steve entirely. They hadn't been texting either. It made Steve wonder why Bucky reached out after they were caught by Sarah. Maybe Bucky thought there was something salvageable and the movie had convinced him to say goodbye. Steve couldn't accept that pity kiss, but maybe he should've. When will he ever get Bucky's touch again? The worst thing was that there was at least half the school year left and Fury didn't change his assigned seats.

For the first time in a while, Sarah Rogers was home before Steve. She had made some rice and corn and fixed Steve a plate. "Mom," he just said before he started blubbering. 

"Should I beat him up?" He just sobbed harder. His mom had always been his protector. Even when his dad died, his mom was reading him books to sleep, staying in bed with him to make sure he had a peaceful rest. He didn't want to go to school the next day and his mom approved his decision. She understood how much he hated school. Steve was never discouraged from standing up for himself, but people needed breaks sometime and now he needed to take one.

The next afternoon, after napping for a significant time and then catching up on the work he was missing, someone had knocked at his door. Steve rushed to find a clean pair of pants and left on a graphic tee. "Who is it?" 

"It's," a familiar voice said, "it's Bucky." Steve opened up the door and gestured for him to come in. He hoped that whatever was coming was going to include closure because sitting next to this boy from the rest of the year was going to be hell. Bucky stood and shifted his weight onto one foot and back. He lifted his hands slightly in a flapping motion. "I have to tell you something. Something that I think has already ruined us and I didn't want it to confirm it but I think it's better to be honest-" Steve felt his heart plummet. 

"I know. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I couldn't stop myself from feeling what I feel-"

"I couldn't either!" Bucky whispered in a sort of shout. 

"I know and- I just don't know how to take any of it back. I can't. I wish it didn't exist."

"I never wanted my feelings for you to hurt you or make you feel like you couldn't be yourself around me, but I thought that we had agreed it was mutual," Bucky explained. It was then that Steve realized they weren't on the same page.

"What was supposed to be mutual?"

Bucky looked up in disbelief, "that we were dating! I mean I told Dot. I just don't get why you pulled away. I understand that we had done a lot in a short time and that might've been scary because I was scared, too. Especially since I was- since I'm falling in love with you." The confession startled Steve. 

"I didn't know we were dating. I pulled away because I thought you were saying goodbye," he sputtered, beginning to feel a bit hopeful. 

"Why would I say goodbye?" Steve moved closer to Bucky. 

"Because I suck at sex!" Steve said as though it was the consensus they had reached. 

"Steve, I had a good time, I told you that," Bucky affirmed with a puzzled tone. Steve was smiling now, probably freakishly. 

Then he remembered. "Well, why did you move my hand away in the movie theatre?" 

"I just wanted it to watch the movie. I also thought holding hands on our date would be nice as well. We cuddle when we have our dates at home," Bucky was smiling a bit, too.

'I'm an idiot," Steve put his face in his hands, "I thought you were trying to let me down gently." Bucky hugged Steve then. 

"Steve, we've been dating for months. Can I ask why you didn't notice? I should've been clearer, in hindsight, but I didn't know that my attempts to swoon you weren't obvious." And so, Steve explained his history with Ross and Hydra to Bucky. Making it known that he was used to being used for his body and hated all the same. 

"Do you still want to date me?" Steve asked, still doubting where this conversation was going to end. 

"Of course! Just make sure you tell me if I ever hurt you and you can always ask me things if you're unsure about how I feel. I really fucking like you, Stevie," Bucky smiled and kissed him. Steve missed this, the natural pacing they fell into and the warmth of their bodies pressed together. Bucky's hands were on his back and Steve's hands were in his hair. 

"I really like you, too, boyfriend."

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? My tumblr is @danzecantfandom.  
> It's not as sad as it was going to be, but I still really love it. Also I wrote 15k without getting tired of the story so I'm really happy! The ideas got away from me but the next fic is just about family and sadness so I hope I bring the angst. I am really excited for that story and I have it planned out really well.


End file.
